Brain Aneurysms Emotionally hurt

The days after getting home from the hospital seemed almost unbearable but slowly I began picking myself up again. Small steps forward each day I moved towards claiming my new life since this tragedy happened. Although these steps were incredibly difficult they gave me something greater than what had been taken away from me…hope. I hoped that despite all odds things would eventually work out. If only I could keep fighting.

I am angry.

I am so angry. Angry at the world. Angry at my family, and most of all, I am angry with myself. Every day feels like a struggle to just get out of bed in the morning, but I have no choice. It's either that or sink deeper into depression.

I suffered from a brain aneurysm that altered my life forever. Physically, there is changes.  Speech impediments and physical ailments will stay with me for the rest of my life. But nothing compares to the emotional pain I'm experiencing.

I think I'm in hell.

Every moment feels like an eternity.  Memories flood back to me.  Images of loss and sorrow fill my head until all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry until there is no more tears left in me.

Pain doesn't always hurt although the absence of pain hurts so much more when it comes back.  Feeling…nothing. Eyes dry.  Worse, knowing sadness should be easier without feelings.  

Why am I still here?

Heavy breeze with no effect on a humid summer night.    Dark empty vault.  Thick dust built up from the absence of movement.  A storm should have washed it away long ago.  I don’t know how this will ever end.  

Silent screams unanswered.  Alone.  Invisible.  I lost…everything.  Slight smile doesn't reach the eyes.  Blind.  Deep ragged cuts but no blood pools on the floor.  Hands not drawn away  but can’t attempt to reach towards…towards what?  I don’t want to be here.  Life is torture. Why am I still here?

I'm angry.

No touch.   No warmth but not cold.  Not anything.  Bubbling anger spills over.  Please don’t make me have feelings.  Serpent's teeth sink into my flesh.    Stay away from me. I hate you.  All of you.  Don’t tell me you understand.  It wasn’t my choice to live.  

The wounded retreate into the darkness once again.  Fuck you.  Fuck all of you.  You’re not doing me any favors.  You can’t.  Stop pretending I should be grateful.  Darkness doesn't fall.  It rises and is crushing the last breath from the light.  

Ashes gently fall forgetting the rage from which they came. Ears dripping with unheard words are deaf upon empty hearts.  Unrealistic language that only grazes.  It never reaches the intended destination.  Choosing to tumble into the depth but instead paralyzed.  Help me.  

Nobody cares.

Invisible shadows of those that pretend to care consume me. I’m in between hysteria and nothing.  There’s no joy on the horizon.  Hands blistered.  Breath ragged before I attempt to climb this rocky cliff.  At  life's lowest point I need to jump even though the ground holds firmly to my feet.  It’s cruel that I survived.  I have to exist.  Pure agony.  Calm waters but I’m still drowning.  

I refuse to quench my hunger and thirst.  I’m trying to feel. Feel hope.  I desperately want to feel love not hate but they turned their backs on me.  There’s nothing more disgusting than weakness evidently.  If I ever, somehow, get my strength back you will be sorry.  I look forward to your grief.  

I need hope.

It’s pathetic I’m begging for someone to help me.  I’m realizing they won’t.  I’m not strong enough to help myself.  There’s nothing that fills the widening gap.  I'm walking just on the outside of reality.  I don’t know who I am.  It’s terrifying but I truly don’t know who I am.  I feel like somebody else took over my body and pushed the old me out.

Someone please help me.