Brain Aneurysms Destroy Relationships

I can't sleep.  I’m staring at the ceiling.  My thoughts are bouncing off the sides of my skull.  The ending of my memories aren’t ending.  They all are blending together, incomprehensible to me.  I don't want to allow the luxury of fantasy but I'm not ready to face reality.  

I'm trying so hard to not feel the faintest bit of pain.  No matter what, though, I’m going back and reliving my past life over and over again.  I didn’t deserve to lose the life I made.  Maybe if I lost it over time, like most people lose happiness, I could handle this.  I lost mine instantly out of nowhere.   I lost everything. 

I completely learned to make emotions disappear.  No choice but to try.  Only problem is that after my head exploded I can’t control my emotions as easily as before.  I can’t not cry.  I can’t hide that I love him.   I also can’t control anger and all I want to do is make him feel like I do. 

I'm thinking about all of the what if’s tonight.  What if I let him see me in the hospital?  Would he have held me and let me have peace before I died?  What if I opened up.  Would he have said goodbye before I passed away?  What if I would have stayed for a whole night when he was excited I came home.  Would we still be together?  What if I would have stayed when he was overwhelmed and didn't know how to handle me?  What if I asked for help?  What if he knew how to help?  Do I actually really care?

He didn't do those things.  He didn't save me.  I have to figure out how to do that.  Through  time and all the fake fantasies of getting my life back I want to win.  I know that’s cruel.  I know that’s evil but the anger I feel is terrifying.  He wasn’t there.  He really fucked up.  

I'm under enormous amounts of stress.  I'm scared and disoriented.  I'm under the influence of adrenaline too.   I'm not safe.  I have to protect myself.  I need to get over what he did and move on.  If I could just leave him alone he would hurt more than if I live like this. This isn’t okay but I don’t feel an ounce of guilt.  Should I fake like I can forgive?  I have to start my life over but now it’s beyond difficult.  

I’ve decided I’ll get back at him. He doesn’t know how to handle me.  I’ll tell him everything in detail and he will ridiculously forgive and eventually anger will overwhelm him.  It will give me control.  I want to hurt him I have no intention of going back.  I love him and I hate him. I want his pain to be as bad as mine.