I can't believe this happened to me. I was living my life and then, boom, everything changed. I lost my job, my friends, my hobbies. I can barely function anymore. Some days I can't even get out of bed. I'm so angry with the world. I hate what happened to me. I used to be a go-getter. I was always busy with work, raising my son or hanging out with friends.
But now, after my aneurysm, I can't do any of that stuff anymore. I lost my job because I couldn't come back to work after the surgery. And all my friends slowly drifted away because I couldn't keep up with their lives anymore. I'm so angry at how unfair it all is.
I hate that I can't do the things I used to love doing. I hate that my life is so different now. And I really hate that there's nothing I can do to change it. Some days are better than others, but mostly I just feel like giving up. Screw this world and everyone in it. I know this probably isn't the most positive blog post out there, but it's honest. And sometimes that's all you can really ask for—honesty.
It's been really hard adjusting to my new life after the aneurysm. Some days are better than others, but mostly I just feel angry and frustrated and alone. Thank you for reading and for understanding.
I realize I sound desperate and angry. I am. At the end of this blog I share ideas on how to find peace. It's really helping me.
Strange Thing That Happened Today
A stranger walked by me today. I can’t stop wondering if this really happened because if it didn’t then my issues are way worse than I’ve been told. It happened fast. I was halfway to the door when I stopped. I stopped before he was in front of me. He said harshly, “get out of my way.” I swear I stopped before I even saw him. I wasn’t blocking him yet that man told me, a woman, to get out of the way.
He had the coldest eyes I’ve seen in years. I haven’t decided if they were cold or empty. I just know I didn’t like the way he looked at me. He reminded me of things I refuse to remember. It’s like he knew. He knew me. He didn’t care what anyone else thought because somehow he knew me. Obviously, he could care less what I thought.
He didn’t feel at all. Normally I’d be sympathetic. I’d forgive him. I’d pray for him even though my God wouldn’t listen. He said, I’m so sure he said this, “go ahead. Stab me or shoot me. Your choice.” His words came out harsh again. It sounded like I’d better give him my answer fast or he’d decide for himself. I wanted more than anything to tell him what I really was thinking. Did he think someone like me, a woman, wouldn’t fight?
He should have been careful. I was already angry. So angry yet I don’t remember why. I want to blame him. In situations like that I would usually be scared. I’d run. I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing I didn’t fight or run. The words would have been sickening if I opened my mouth. I wanted to let him know what I’d choose. I wanted to tell him that I’d blow his head off if I had a gun. No emotion. I just wanted it all to end too. I’m just like him. I don’t care either. His eyes were cold but every inch of me was empty.
Maybe I should have pushed him while he walked by. Made him whip around and make the choice. Why was I forced to decide? It wouldn’t have really mattered if I had won the fight. There’s no doubt that I’d lose. That man didn’t care that I’m a woman. I swear people like us only see ourselves. Could be selfishness or ugliness on the inside. I don’t know. For some weird reason I think that man was on my side.
Pain is irrelevant. I just don’t want to be afraid anymore. I wanted to punch that face. I wanted to scream my hate. I would have been a bloody mess. My head would have hit that ground hard but it would have hurt a lot less than it does with these horrible memories. Please go away. Slam me to the ground. When I’m finally able to stand again I will finally be able to move on
I try to remind myself that things could be worse; at least I'm alive and have a roof over my head. But some days it's just too hard to be grateful for what little I have left when everything feels like it's been taken away from me.
I see people everyday living their lives without a care in the world and it makes me so angry. They have no idea how good they have it. They take their lives for granted and they don't even realize it. If they only knew how easily everything could be taken away from them, they would appreciate what they have more.
It's not fair that this happened to me. It's not fair that I had to lose everything because of something beyond my control. But what can you do? Life isn't fair, and sometimes you just have to deal with the cards you're dealt.
Anger is a natural emotion and one that we all feel at times, but it's important to try to find ways to cope with it constructively rather than letting it consume you as it has me. It's been eight months since my brain aneurysm, and some days are still harder than others; but slowly, gradually, I'm learning to accept what happened and move on with my life the best way that I can."
