Loss of Emotional Control
Many survivors experience loss of emotional control. I literally believed I was a different person stuck in my body. I truly didn’t know who I was. This may manifest itself in anger, frustration or lashing out at yourself and others. I felt overwhelmed with feelings that have no place being expressed because others thought I was okay. I was supposed to be grateful for surviving. Instead, I was terrified with nowhere to hide. It was dangerous for my well-being to express myself. Expressing my experience is a way of dealing with the trauma suffered from my ruptured brain aneurysm. I strongly suggest getting psychological help.
“I could go into detail of what happens physically when one has a brain aneurysm. I will someday but even though I’ve physically changed there’s still nothing worse than emotional pain. This is how I feel. Pain doesn’t always hurt although the absence of pain hurts so much more when it comes back. Feeling…nothing. Eyes dry. Worse, knowing sadness should be easier without feelings.”
Self Esteem and Relationships
You most likely have to deal with changes in your self-esteem and self-confidence as a result of new physical and mental limitations. It is important to talk to your family, doctor, and therapist about how you feel and, over time, learn how to adjust to the “new” you. You may be feeling down about yourself because you are unable to do the things that you used to do or because you are beyond mentally confused. You may also be worried that people will not find you attractive anymore. It is important to remember that your relationships will not necessarily change because your mind and body has changed. If someone can’t support you through this pain then they are not the partner for you. You will hopefully realize that and gain your confidence back. Talk to your loved ones about how you are feeling and ask for their support. They will still love you no matter what. If you are having trouble dealing with the emotional and physical pain, talk to a therapist. They can help you work through your feelings and develop coping mechanisms.
“Heavy breeze with no effect on a humid summer night. Dark empty vault. Thick dust built up from the absence of movement. A storm should have washed it away long ago. I don’t know how this will ever end. Silent screams unanswered. Alone. Invisible. I lost…everything. Slight smile doesn’t reach the eyes. Blind. Deep ragged cuts but no blood pools on the floor. Hands not drawn away but can’t attempt to reach towards…towards what? I don’t want to be here. Life is torture. Why am I still here? No touch. No warmth but not cold. Not anything. Bubbling anger spills over. Please don’t make me have feelings. Serpent’s teeth sink into my flesh. Stay away from me. I hate you. All of you. Don’t tell me you understand. It wasn’t my choice to live. The wounded retreated into the darkness once again. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. You’re not doing me any favors. You can’t. Stop pretending I should be grateful. Darkness doesn’t fall. It rises and is crushing the last breath from the light.”
Isolation
A ruptured brain aneurysm can be so frightening. Treatment can be complex, and the road to recovery can be long and unpredictable. It is not unusual for patients to feel isolated and alone during this time. However, there are many ways to get support and connect with others who understand what you are going through. When I was finally released I was told that what I experienced was rare. I thought I was alone. Thankfully I was wrong.
“Ashes gently fall forgetting the rage from which they came. Ears dripping with unheard words are deaf upon empty hearts. Unrealistic language that only grazes. It never reaches the intended destination. Choosing to tumble into the depth but instead paralyzed. Help me. Invisible shadows of those that pretend to care consume me. I’m In between hysteria and nothing. There’s no joy on the horizon. Hands blistered. Breath ragged before attempting to climb this rocky cliff. At Life’s lowest point I need to jump even though the ground holds firmly to my feet. It’s cruel that I survived. I have to exist. Pure agony. Calm waters but I’m still drowning.”
Depression and Anxiety
Depression and anxiety are very common among brain aneurysm survivors. These may be caused by the aneurysm itself and also by the many life changes that may occur as a result of the aneurysm. But there is no need to suffer in silence. Depression is not simply a passing blue mood or a sudden feeling of sadness that goes away as quickly as it came. It is an illness that affects your body, mood, and thoughts. Depression impacts your appetite and sleep, how you feel about yourself and others, and how you think about life. Treatment, which usually consists of a combination of medication and talk therapy, can help you deal with depression and feel better. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, please reach out for help. You don’t have to suffer alone.
“I refuse to quench my hunger and thirst. I’m trying to feel. Feel hope. I desperately want to feel love not hate but they turned their backs on me. There’s nothing more disgusting than weakness evidently. If I ever, somehow, get my strength back you will be sorry. I look forward to your grief. It’s pathetic I’m begging for someone to help me. I’m realizing they won’t. I’m not strong enough to help myself. There’s nothing that fills the widening gap. I’m walking just on the outside of reality. I don’t know who I am. It’s terrifying but I truly don’t know who I am. I feel like somebody else took over my body and pushed the old me out. Someone please help me.”
