Ruptured Brain Aneurysm: Memory Loss

It scares me to admit this but these feelings are so real.  I almost believe I’m in a medical institution.  I think I’m living this wonderful, fun, exciting life but I’m actually in a coma like they told me I would probably be after surgery.  I was also told that if I made it I would be extremely retarded so maybe  I’m awake and living in a convalescent home acting like everything’s a blast. 

Memory…I don’t have it.  Evidently because aneurysms screw up parts of the brain.  If a brain aneurysm burst or damage happens from treatment, memory will be affected. I remember very little after getting to Veterans Hospital.  I barely remember the flight to UCSF.  I barely remember my first year after I came home.  While writing this I realize I don’t really remember last week. 

It’s so much worse when I’m tired.  I can’t remember what I’ve said to friends today or where I’ve put my stuff. 

It’s hard.  Sometimes it's so strange.  Sometimes beyond frustrating.  Sometimes I can care less.  The only way I can handle my life is living in the moment.  It’s like I’m not capable of building my life. 

Yet it’s weird.  It’s like I decide I want something and somehow I’m suddenly living in that world.  I decide I want something and all of a sudden…there it is.  I seem to live in the life I choose.  So strange.  I’m not saying this is my reality.  It just feels like it sometimes. 

Maybe it’s because it was easier to allow my mind to float in fantasy rather than deal with what I lost.  If I’m not here then I’d much rather stay in dreamland.  I've spent so much time saying I’m okay but I’m not.