It’s the middle of the night and I’m so tired. It’s absolutely ridiculous but I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m afraid that I will never wake up again. I’m having surgery again in S.F. in another few weeks. I wish they would do it now so I don‘t have to be scared anymore.
I wish so desperately I could lay with you now. I wish my back was against your stomach and your arms were wrapped around me. Hold me. Make me feel safe. I wish I could feel safe just for a moment.
I want to stop crying now. So bad. I wish we were close just for a minute. I wish I could call you now. Hear you talk. Make me feel wanted and cared about. I don’t know what my problem is. Im alone. I’m lonely. I miss you.
Usually, I can manage this but I feel small tonight and I’m so afraid. I feel like I’m never going to see you again. I don’t know why I worried about you when I was the victim hurting in the hospital. I worried about you so much. Now I just worry too much about me.
Going under the knife is never an easy decision – but when you’ve already endured the trauma of a previous surgery, the thought of having to do it all over again is absolutely terrifying.
I know this feeling all too well. Just the thought of having surgery again in San Francisco has me shaking with fear. After all, I’m still dealing with the aftermath of my last surgical procedure – the scars, the loss of function, the emotional trauma. I’ve lost enough.
Yet here I am, faced with the prospect of putting my life in someone else’s hands once again. I'm so scared about my upcoming surgery. I know that I'm not really alone now but I will be on that table. I haven't learned how to cope with my fears and get through this difficult time.