Ending Relationships After A Ruptured Brain Aneurysm Is Overwhelming

You pushed me towards giving our relationship another try. I truly wanted that but I still walked away.  Twice that happened with you!  Why did you keep coming back? The man you were before it happened would never be so weak. It made me finally realize why I wasn’t answering your calls, texts or messages again.  I never missed staying with you.  It wasn’t because I don’t love you.  It’s because I’d rather hate you.  Over and over again you try.  I still won’t answer.  I’m being self-centered.  I thought you were the problem but I am.

Even though I’m walking away, again, I’ll always remember something you said before I went to the hospital. I remember laughing at you but didn’t doubt it a bit.  I knew, back then, that we would always be together. You said, "when we are 80 we will be taking walks, holding hands just like we are now." We passed the houses we loved and walked through the Tower.  We never planned to leave this area.  Looking back those days seemed perfect.  I still spend time in the Tower but in the bars.  

I think you should have tried a little harder.  I want that kind of live now but with someone I can believe in. I will never believe in you again. I want someone that will handle me not just give in the way you're now doing.  Someone that can tell me what they really feel.  Not just being careful with their word's. I can’t even hear you.   I want to live that kind of life just not you now.

I left you when you were ready start over again. You assumed I wanted that.  Maybe you should have asked.  Maybe you should have not tried at all.  I’m the problem.  Not you.  I needed help moving on.  Not help getting my old life back. 

You believe I prefer to chase a man. That's what you always told me. Competition.  You’re wrong. I can’t win anymore.  I'm just a mess and taking my fear out on you and whoever makes the mistake of coming into my life.  I'm messed up not you.

I try not to remember the things you said that made me happy. Some things I can’t get out of my mind.  The last time I saw you we were sitting in your kitchen. I asked if we could go to the beach.  You said we will never go together. Because we were getting ready for the coast when I had the aneurysm. We will never go together.  You said you would take me wherever I want to go but never to the beach.   I’ll never forget your eyes when you said that.  I saw you cared.  I saw your pain.  I would have given you anything right then if I had anything to give.  

I remember when you walked me to my car. You talked about things we were going to do together.  You were making plans and trying hard to make me stay. You said, "I know you’re never coming back."  You were right.  You looked sad.  I saw you were trying to figure out what to say next but there was nothing.   What I didn’t say that day was it was first time I allowed myself to even think about us and our life. It scared me. You had time to think about us.  I didn’t get enough time to think because I wasn't strong enough yet.  

I remember when dinners with kids.  That was so fun.  I remember the way you looked at me.  I tell myself to focus on that day.  Don’t think about the day my aneurysm happened. Think about the good day's. I think it would be best to ignore the past and the future.  Even though I shouldn’t I still like remembering that look you gave me.