Bright red, white and blue lighting the sky for just a moment. Wide eyes watching from below, not bothering to anticipate the next color. Children holding sparkling fire sticks in their hands, faces filled with joy, shake them back and forth. I’m sure this is happening somewhere but there’s only silence for me. Yeah, I’d rather just sit in a run down bar and drink a glass of wine. No need to join a crowd pretending to be happy like everything’s alright because it’s not.
I’d rather just sit here thinking about the joy I had three months ago. Ok, actually three months and nineteen days. I’m not supposed to talk about it. I mean, seriously, why bother? It’s not like someone’s going to listen and advise on how to make things better. I should be moving forward but really today I just want to give in. Pains not the end of the world. I mean, really, why does it matter? We can fight to be happy but life will be what it chooses.
Even though this doesn’t help me move on, thinking about it helps me make it through the day. I was so happy. So freaking happy. Sitting at your table, smoking a cigarette, so excited for our trip. I loved you. We were connected and I was happy. Really didn’t need a change. No need to rush.
I thought I knew everything but reality is none of us really know anything. Each day, no every minute, should be appreciated. If I had to do it again I would have never taken my eyes off of you. I was always sitting close to you but this time I would have even been closer, arms wrapped around you. Holding on because it matters more than anything else to hold on to what gives you joy.
It doesn’t matter where or when. It can be taken away immediately. No matter how happy, how strong, or how confident you are, it all can go away. Nothing’s safe. Nothing’s controlled. Nothing is really yours even when you’re wanted. I shouldn’t have waited. I should have shown you how much I cared. It hurts.
This disaster would have happened to me rather if I was with you or alone. I should be grateful to be alive. Now every second feels like a minute. Every hour feels like a day. Everyday takes forever to go by. Every moment I truly just want to forget you. Please, forgive me. Life has moved on. For everyone else. My life’s moved on from where it was before but I sure as hell don’t like where I am. Thing are fine and normal again from the outside. I don’t know who the hell I am. I’m angry.
In the aftermath of a ruptured brain aneurysm, it is normal to feel shocked, confused, and searching for a way to make sense of what has happened. The grief process is unique to each survivor, and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve for yourself. Most people won't understand those that have been through a brain aneurysm like us.
However, there are certain things that can be helpful. When you experience the loss of yourself and your old life, it is natural to feel guilty, angry, or self-critical. These emotions can aggravate and prolong grief. I felt like I deserved this. However, it is important to remember that our brains are designed to help us make sense of what has happened and assign meanings to events. So, try not to dwell on irrational thoughts. Stop second guessing yourself. Take your time and allow yourself to learn your new life.
As you search for meaning in the aftermath of your loss, it is important to be mindful of the thoughts that you allow to take root in your mind. Irrational and harmful thoughts can easily take hold during this vulnerable time, leading to needless suffering. If you find yourself regularly thinking irrational thoughts, it's important to try to correct them. Otherwise, they can lead to long-term emotional distress. Some common irrational thoughts include:
"I should be over this by now."
The grieving process is different for everyone and there is no set timeline for how long it should take. You might find yourself feeling better after a few weeks or months, or it might take much longer. Don't put unrealistic pressure on yourself to "get over" your loss.
"I'm weak/crazy/stupid for still being upset."
There is nothing wrong with grieving your loss. It's a natural and normal response to a difficult situation. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling, without judgment.
"I should have been able to do something to prevent this."
It's common to blame yourself.
Guilty Thoughts
Thoughts of guilt are common after someone has had a ruptured brain aneurysm unexpectedly. We may ask ourselves if we could have prevented this from happening somehow. We may berate ourselves for not recognizing the symptoms. However, most people have no idea what an aneurysm is, much less possess the ability to predict one. Trained medical personnel have difficulty making a diagnosis without CT scans or other diagnostic techniques. So please be gentle with yourself if you find yourself thinking “I should have seen this coming.”
Angry Thoughts
It is perfectly normal to feel angry after surviving a burst brain aneurysm, especially if it was sudden and unexpected. This is because, in addition to grieving, we are also dealing with the stress of adjusting to a new reality. Our brains are not used to processing major changes like this, so we may find ourselves feeling confused and angry. It is important to allow yourself to feel these emotions.
This can help you to process the loss and begin to move on. However, most of us find ourselves dwelling on angry thoughts or struggling to let go of our anger. It’s helpful to seek out professional counseling. A trained therapist can help you understand your feelings and give you tools to cope with your grief in a healthy way.
